There is a version of this conversation that goes badly. It starts with a question about amounts — what the house is worth, what is in the pensions, who gets what — and it ends with everyone wishing it had not been raised. The parent hears a demand dressed as concern. The adult child hears evasion dressed as privacy. Nothing is resolved, and the subject is now harder to raise a second time.
There is a better version, and it is not really about money at all. It is about four documents and decisions that someone will need to find, read and act on at a point when the person who made them may not be able to explain them. You can ask every question in that version without anyone naming a figure.
The framing matters because the stakes are administrative before they are financial. A will that cannot be found, a power of attorney that was never registered, a gift made eight years ago and never written down — these are the things that turn a straightforward estate into a slow, expensive one. The tax position is worth understanding, but it is the second conversation, not the first.
Start with your own paperwork, not theirs
The single most effective way to make this conversation symmetrical is to bring your own file to it. If you are in your fifties or sixties, you should have a current will and registered lasting powers of attorney yourself. Saying so — and saying where the originals are kept — changes the register of the discussion from interrogation to comparison.
A workable opening is something like: “We’ve just redone ours and it made me realise I have no idea whether yours are up to date, or where the originals are. Can I ask?” That is a question about documents. It is answerable. It does not require your parent to disclose their net worth, and it does not imply that you are waiting for anything.
If you want to think about why this kind of check-in belongs years before retirement rather than after it, the same logic applies to your own planning: the decisions that are hardest to make are the ones made under time pressure. The question you should be asking years before you retire makes a related point about timing.
Anchor one: the will
Three things are worth confirming, and none of them is the contents. First, that a will exists. Second, that it reflects current circumstances — a marriage, a divorce, a death, a change in who should act as executor. Third, that the executor knows where the original is held, or that the solicitor holding it knows they are the executor.
One point of terminology is worth getting right, because it comes up in almost every family discussion about gifts and wills. Anything left in a will does not count as a gift for inheritance tax purposes; it forms part of the estate. GOV.UK states this plainly: “Anything you leave in your will does not count as a gift but is part of your estate.” (GOV.UK, Rules on giving gifts.) The distinction matters because it separates two different conversations — what the will says, and what has already been given away during life. Keep them separate and neither becomes an audit of the other.
Anchor two: lasting powers of attorney
This is the part of the conversation with the clearest practical deadline, and the one most often left too late.
A lasting power of attorney (LPA) is a legal document that lets the donor appoint one or more attorneys to help make decisions, or to make them on the donor’s behalf, if the donor later lacks mental capacity. There are two types: health and welfare, and property and financial affairs. (GOV.UK, Make, register or end a lasting power of attorney.)
The critical fact is that an LPA must be registered before it can be used. GOV.UK is explicit: “You must register your LPA or your attorney will not be able to make decisions for you.” (GOV.UK.) Registration takes 8 to 10 weeks if there are no mistakes in the application, and applying to register one LPA costs £92 — £184 for both types. (GOV.UK, Register a lasting power of attorney.)
Those numbers are useful in the conversation because they reframe the risk. The cost is modest. The delay is the problem. And the fallback if capacity is lost before registration is not merely slower — the Office of the Public Guardian’s own guidance warns that mistakes cannot be corrected once the donor lacks capacity, that the LPA then cannot be registered, and that the attorneys may have to apply to the Court of Protection, which “can be a long and costly process.” (OPG, LP13 guide.)
There is a further distinction worth knowing before you raise it. A health and welfare LPA can only be used when the donor is unable to make their own decisions. A property and financial affairs LPA can be used as soon as it is registered, with the donor’s permission. (GOV.UK.) That means the financial LPA is not a document about incapacity alone; it is a document that can smooth ordinary administration while the donor is still entirely capable. Some parents find that framing easier than the alternative.
What you are not saying — and should not say — is that not having an LPA is negligent. It is a choice, and a legitimate one. The honest version is that it is a choice with a known cost if circumstances change, and that the cost falls on the people who will be trying to help.
Anchor three: the inheritance tax position, in broad terms only
This is where the conversation most often tips into advice, and where it should not. You are not the adviser. But you can help your parents check that the broad shape of their estate has been looked at by someone qualified, and you can do that using published thresholds rather than opinions.
The standard position, as published by GOV.UK: inheritance tax is charged on the estate of someone who has died, and there is normally no tax to pay if the estate is below the £325,000 threshold. The standard rate is 40%, charged only on the part of the estate above the threshold. (GOV.UK, Inheritance Tax.)
The threshold can rise to £500,000 where a home is left to children or grandchildren, and the GOV.UK guidance on passing on a home adds the condition that the estate must be worth less than £2 million for that additional threshold to apply. (GOV.UK, Passing on a home.) Gifts between spouses or civil partners are exempt, and unused threshold can be transferred between partners. (GOV.UK.)
That is enough to have a sensible conversation about whether the estate is likely to be above or below the threshold, and whether the will is structured in a way that uses the available allowances. It is not enough to plan anything, and it should not be presented as if it were. The right sentence is: “It might be worth checking with your solicitor or tax adviser whether the will still does what you want against these thresholds.” Then stop.
One uncomfortable truth belongs here, stated calmly. The residence nil-rate band is not a universal extra £175,000. It is conditional, and the £2 million estate condition is one of the conditions. Families with larger estates sometimes assume the additional threshold applies when it does not, or applies in reduced form. That is precisely the kind of question to put to the parents’ own adviser rather than resolve at the kitchen table.
Anchor four: the gift record
If the will conversation is the easiest to start, the gift record is the easiest to hand over. It is an administrative task, not a disclosure of wealth, and it is the one piece of work an adult child can genuinely do on a parent’s behalf.
The rules, as published. No tax is due on gifts if the giver lives for 7 years after giving them, unless the gift is part of a trust. Gifts given 3 to 7 years before death are taxed on a sliding scale known as taper relief; gifts given in the 3 years before death are taxed at 40%. (GOV.UK, Rules on giving gifts.)
There are allowances. The annual exemption permits £3,000 of gifts each tax year without them being added to the value of the estate, and unused annual exemption can be carried forward for one tax year only. The small gift allowance permits gifts of up to £250 per person each tax year, provided another allowance has not been used on the same person. Regular payments out of income can be exempt where they meet the published conditions. (GOV.UK.)
Why the record matters is stated directly by GOV.UK: “The person who deals with your estate will need to work out what gifts you gave in the 7 years before your death.” The guidance asks for what was given, to whom, and its value when given. (GOV.UK.)
Consider a hypothetical illustration rather than a real family. A parent has sent a child £200 a month for several years to help with school fees. Nobody wrote it down. On death, the executor has to reconstruct the pattern from bank statements, decide whether it qualifies as normal expenditure out of income, and account for it. A dated list kept with the will — one line per gift, with the amount and the date — removes that work entirely. The list is not a tax plan. It is a filing decision.
The same logic applies to the home. Giving away a home before death normally avoids inheritance tax only if the person lives another 7 years, and continuing to live there without paying rent at the going rate counts as a gift with reservation, which is added back to the estate. (GOV.UK.) This is not a strategy to recommend at the dinner table. It is a reason to make sure any such arrangement has been properly advised and properly documented.
The mechanics of the conversation
Pick a quiet moment with no audience and no time pressure. Lead with your own paperwork. Ask what they would want you to know if they were suddenly unavailable — a question about information, not about money. Offer to sit alongside them at a solicitor or adviser meeting rather than to advise. If they decline, accept it once and leave the door open.
There are two things to avoid. The first is turning the conversation into a review of their spending or their gifts; that is not your role and it will be heard as surveillance. The second is using legislated future changes as leverage. There are real dated changes in the system, and they are legitimate reasons for anyone with a large estate to take advice. They are not reasons to pressure a parent into a decision this week. Calm, dated urgency is appropriate in your own planning. In someone else’s, it reads as pushing.
The deliverable: a one-page family summary
The conversation is only useful if it produces something findable. A single page, kept with your own documents and reviewed when circumstances change, is enough. It should record:
- Where the original will is held, and who the executor is.
- Whether each type of LPA exists, whether it is registered, and who the attorneys are.
- The name and contact details of the solicitor or adviser.
- Where the gift record is kept, if one exists.
- Who to call first if something happens.
None of that requires anyone to state a figure. All of it reduces the chance that a family discovers, at the worst possible moment, that the documents were never registered or cannot be found.
The uncomfortable truth is that this conversation is easier at 60 than at 80, and easier again before a diagnosis than after. The reassuring truth is that it does not have to be about money at all. Ask about the paperwork, offer to help with the filing, and let the numbers stay with the people qualified to advise on them.
Questions readers ask
Can I check whether my parents’ LPA is registered?
Registration is with the Office of the Public Guardian. The practical step is to ask your parents directly whether they have the registered document and where it is kept; the OPG guidance sets out the registration process and the 8 to 10 week timescale. (GOV.UK.)
Does a will override the inheritance tax thresholds?
No. The will determines who receives what; the thresholds determine how the estate is taxed. Anything left in a will forms part of the estate rather than counting as a gift. (GOV.UK.)
Is the £500,000 threshold automatic if there are children?
No. It depends on the home passing to children or grandchildren and on the estate being worth less than £2 million, among other conditions. (GOV.UK.) This is a question for the parents’ adviser, not a conclusion to draw from a headline figure.
What if my parents refuse to discuss it?
That is their right, and pressing rarely works. The useful fallback is to make sure your own documents are in order and to tell them where yours are kept. Symmetry is more persuasive than argument.